


baby it's okay (it's buzzcut season anyway)

by clawsnbeak



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Loves Ronan Lynch, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Tenderness, Touching, Yearning, adam trims ronan's hair, after trc, but like for 2 paragraphs, cuddling at the barns, like a lot of it too, like very soft, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27304210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clawsnbeak/pseuds/clawsnbeak
Summary: “I want to grow it out.”Adam merely brushed his fingers through the short hairs of Ronan’s buzzcut again.He wished to ask many things, “Are you sure?” being one of them.Are you sure you want to go through the agony of seeing your father in the mirror again, the split image of you, the blood covering his face that you can’t seem to lodge from your memories and still wakes you up many nights through which I hold you until you can finally breathe easier again?“Then grow it out,” came the only response and Adam smiled softly when Ronan turned to look up at him. Adam leaned forward a little more to shield the sun from Ronan’s eyes. “What else did you expect me to say?”Ronan wants to grow out his hair but has second thoughts, Adam is there to help him through it.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 13
Kudos: 223





	baby it's okay (it's buzzcut season anyway)

**Author's Note:**

> This one-shot was inspired by one of the most talented artists I know. Thank you for blessing us with your art Nico. You're truly amazing! Go look at [the art](https://gaynanlynch.tumblr.com/post/633231322028064768/the-inherent-romanticism-of-letting-your-lover) that inspired this fic and follow Nico while you're at it. You won't regret it!

“I want to grow it out.”

Adam merely brushed his fingers through the short hairs of Ronan’s buzzcut again. 

He wished to ask many things, “Are you sure?” being one of them. 

_ Are you sure you want to go through the agony of seeing your father in the mirror again, the split image of you, the blood covering his face that you can’t seem to lodge from your memories and still wakes you up many nights through which I hold you until you can finally breathe easier again? _

“Then grow it out,” came the only response and Adam smiled softly when Ronan turned to look up at him. Adam leaned forward a little more to shield the sun from Ronan’s eyes. “What else did you expect me to say?”

“I don’t know,” Ronan said and turned his head away again but briefly tugged on the end of Adam’s jeans and curled his fingers around his ankle.

That had been the end of the conversation and Ronan never brought it back up again and so neither did Adam. As selfish as it was, he wanted to spend the last few days he had with Ronan in peace before he had to leave for Harvard again and Ronan seemed to have the same idea.

“I wish I didn’t have to go,” Adam whispered to him when Ronan enveloped him in his arms, unwilling to let go until he absolutely had to. 

“It’s only a couple of months until Christmas break,” Ronan whispered back, grazing his nose briefly along Adam’s cheek. Ronan said it more for himself than for Adam who was very aware of every break and with that every opportunity he had to see him. Ronan needed the reminder that he would see Adam again or he’d go insane on the big and empty Barns.

Adam smiled and tilted Ronan’s head then with two fingers on his chin, kissing him softly until he had to go, though he pulled away with great effort and Ronan longed to pull him back in for just one more.

Ronan held on to that kiss for the remainder of the day, then a week, a month, the pressure of Adam’s lips on his own perfectly recreated in every dream he had. It became a lifeline, especially on the days when the Barns were a little too big and his brain a little too loud.

_ Send me a photo.  _ Adam had texted him and Ronan grumbled about it for a couple of hours before begrudgingly taking out his phone again to snap a photo for him. They had face-timed a couple of times since Adam had left and he had noticed Adam’s almost fixated gaze upon his growing hair, now slightly curling up when it wasn’t doused in water to keep it flat.

Ronan had received a heart emoji back but he knew it meant more to Adam than he let on. 

Maybe Adam had needed a lifeline as well.

Christmas break dawned upon them and Ronan had stopped looking in the mirror. The few times he did, he was transported back to the driveway where his father had laid dead, blood covering his face and if Ronan looked close enough, he could imagine it on his own.

He wanted to try, though. More for Adam than for himself. He knew that him growing his hair out was a sign of his own growth, the traumas he had bore left behind in the past where they belonged. He wanted to be good enough for Adam and be a better person so Adam wouldn’t get the idea to leave him, find someone better at Harvard since someone better was undoubtedly there, ready to snatch Adam away from him when Adam finally realised he was better off without him.

So he tried until Adam came home, jumping in his arms, the both of them smiling through the tears shining in their eyes. He let Adam believe for just the moment that everything was okay, not wanting their reunion to leave a bitter taste in his mouth.

So they cooked and waltzed, or tried to, through the kitchen. Ronan had splashed Adam’s face with water after dinner as Adam tried to do the dishes and it wasn’t long before they were both soaked and Ronan had Adam pressed up against the counter, kissing him because he finally could again.

It was when they were lying on the couch, Ronan’s head nestled on Adam’s chest, when he finally broke his facade. It was just a moment, a split second of him freezing underneath Adam’s fingers as they brushed through his now longer hair. Adam noticed, of course he did, but Adam didn’t say anything and Ronan was both sides grateful and annoyed.

The same thing happened again a few hours later as they were making out in their now shared bed, pyjama-clad and smelling of toothpaste. Adam had let his hand roam up to Ronan’s hair when he deepened the kiss and brushed through the strands, gripping it softly when Ronan went down to kiss his neck where he paused.

“We don’t have to,” Adam said and Ronan wanted to scream with frustration. He wanted to, of course he wanted to, it was just the reminder of his hair now grown out, the same hair he had seen on his father for years until he was suddenly gone and he couldn’t bear the thought of looking like him anymore and be reminded of whom he had lost. 

Ronan curled his arms around Adam instead and held him close. “Tomorrow,” he promised and closed his eyes, feeling Adam’s breathing even out after a few moments as well.

He didn’t mean to dream up the clippers but they appeared in his hand at 3 am and now he was stuck staring at them while Adam was still asleep on his chest, his hearing ear pressed against his racing heart. He wanted to throw it to the other side of the room but he didn’t want to risk waking up Adam which he ended up doing anyway with his nervous fidgeting. It took Adam one look at the clippers and understanding was burning in his eyes.

Ronan readied himself for questions or for Adam to voice his disappointment but he just rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat up.

“Now?”

Ronan wordlessly nodded and then he was tugged out of bed and into the bathroom where Adam sat him down on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor.

He took the clippers from Ronan and brushed his hand over Ronan’s palm, smiling a little when he noticed the goosebumps rise on his skin. 

“Are these going make sure I give you the perfect buzzcut?” Adam asked and looked for the power-on button.

Ronan shook his head and guided Adam’s finger to the small bump that would turn the clippers on, leaving his finger there without either of them pressing the button. They both knew that once Adam turned the clippers on it would mean much more than just hair being gone. It was a setback for Ronan as much as he didn’t want to let this be that. 

“Why trust me with them then?” Adam asked and lifted his hand so Ronan had no choice but to move with him, watching as Adam pressed a tender kiss to his thumb.

“I’d trust you with anything,” Ronan replied hoarsely and after a few seconds of staring into each other’s eyes, Adam turned the clippers on. 

Ronan watched in fascination as Adam moved closer, his legs pressed against his own in a way that lit him up from the inside. Adam cradled the back of Ronan’s head and pulled gently until Ronan was leaning forward, focussing on the freckles littering Adam’s arms to distract himself.

Adam paused and pressed a kiss to his forehead, letting it linger. He gave Ronan enough time to pull back and stop him but Ronan hadn’t changed his mind and Adam finally started, his hand moving the clippers over his head methodically and carefully.

Ronan let himself be guided by Adam’s strong yet gentle hands and watched as the strands fell to the floor, the black curls a stark contrast against the white tiles. 

“Are you disappointed?” Ronan asked when he could finally look up at Adam whose eyes were trained on his head, unwilling to make a mistake and hurt Ronan even though that chance was slim to none or fuck up in any other way possible.

“If you’re asking me if I still think you’re hot without hair then the answer is yes,” Adam said and pulled away to briefly look down at Ronan and the unmistakable insecurity shining in his eyes. 

Adam sighed softly, more of frustration than disappointment and cradled Ronan’s cheek, tugging softly until Ronan was looking up at him. “I love you,” Adam said with surety, something they didn’t often tell each other outright but Ronan knew he needed now. “I love you with hair, I love you without.”   
  
“It’s not just that,” Ronan said and Adam nodded, swiping his thumb over his cheekbone. 

“I know,” Adam said softly. “But you can try again if you want to and when you’re ready. It would be hypocritical of  _ me  _ to…” Adam bit his lip and Ronan leaned forward this time to kiss him softly.

“I know.”

Adam nodded and breathed out deeply before moving to finish trimming Ronan’s hair off. When the clippers were turned off, Ronan suddenly noticed how much sound they had made, the buzzing cascading off the bathroom walls and now they were doused in silence again but Ronan didn’t feel like breaking it for once. He merely stood and pulled Adam up, looking in the mirror and seeing himself again.

“It’s uneven,” he said to hide the wave of disappointment that he couldn’t do it and keep his hair, that he went back to the old self he was so desperate to leave behind.

Adam laughed and Ronan immediately felt a little lighter, the disappointment briefly forgotten again.

“We’ll clean up tomorrow,” Adam said and tugged Ronan back to bed, planning on doing it himself so Ronan wouldn’t have to see the fallen hair and be reminded of the step back he had taken. Ronan suspected Adam would think of that and pressed a grateful kiss to his collarbone.

“Just because you took a step back today doesn’t mean you’ll never take a step forward,” Adam said softly and Ronan closed his eyes to keep back the tears that threatened to fall out.

“I want to get better,” he confessed in the darkness of their bedroom, the only place and time where he would confess to such a thing.

“You already are,” Adam whispered back and pulled Ronan into him until they didn’t know where their bodies began and each other’s body ended. “This doesn’t undo any of the other steps you’ve taken, the things you have accomplished.”

“I love you,” Ronan said this time and let Adam hold him, press gentle fingers into his skin, scratch his scalp a little with blunt nails until he couldn’t possibly hate himself anymore.

“I love you too.”

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on [Tumblr](pynches.tumblr.com)!


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